I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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