Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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