Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
