just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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