Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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