Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
