Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Success! We fucked roommates!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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