Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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