Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
