If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
