I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
