Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
