btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
