Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
