Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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