Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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