How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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