There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
