Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
are you so shy because you have an std?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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