rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
