Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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