Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
