I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
