Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize