we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
