You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
