i need an iv and a liver transplant
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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