I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
