My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
