I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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