I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
