So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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