My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
