I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
