Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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