Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
