I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
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