Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize