you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
