The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize