What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
