He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize