I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
