you would pick up someone in the library
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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