It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize