I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
