I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
