Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
