Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
