I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
