so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
