I hate your face
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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