i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
