walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
