his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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