My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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