seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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