Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
