i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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