i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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