I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
