can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
