Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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