Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I want a musical about memes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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