i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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