I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
