today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
