i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
