how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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