i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
